How do Tam-Brahm's Marry? - One of Life's EPIC experiences

How do Tam-Brahm's Marry?
- One of Life's EPIC experiences

Its been a very long time since I posted something on my blog-- with a mundane routine and a mechanical life, managing time goes for a toss! If there's time, then there is no energy, and vice-versa: just something I have observed!

The topic of marriage is very interesting (life-changing and all that!!) - and the prospect of writing about it without having experienced it is akin to valiantly encountering a tiger in one's imagination vs. actually facing it!!! My sister's wedding is to be held soon - it got me wondering about the process as a whole - Arranged Marriage. And that too, a Tam-Brahm arranged marriage!!

To begin with, there's the popular phrase - 'All Marriages are fixed in heaven' [for which one pays heavily down here I believe ;)]. However, as a Tam-Brahm, I take pride in saying we like to challenge such beliefs and boldly take risks without due consideration! We (or rather the aunties in the family, or even a distant one at that, who believe they are solely appointed for the noble purpose of uniting two souls together) forge strong bonds between two individuals (who never knew the other person existed!) in Life's noble and prime institution of marriage.


Primarily, Tam-Brahm is a cool abbreviation for 'Tamil Brahmin). There are basically two sects::


1- IYER (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Iyer)


and 2 - IYENGAR (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Iyengar)

The Methodology

I. The online way

This is done through matrimonial sites. These websites have hope for all – be it a divorcee or a single parent or a normal unmarried person  .The concept really revolutionized and capitalized on the arranged marriages scene here . It’s really popular now because it works…  And this is how :

1. Putting up the girls’ profile and “(decent) photos” on matrimonial sites.
2. Scouring through hundreds of profiles to find the perfect boy- Good, fair boy, good family and preferably settled in the US- more points if the boy lives in popular business hubs-  yeah! Silicon valley, Texas and New York  sound great. Earlier only software engineers were in demand, but now thats out-thanks to recession)
3. Once they hit upon a good profile, the parents call and exchange the jaathakams(astrological charts) and see if those match.If yes, then photos are exchanged.
4. If okay, both the families meet. This meeting typically consists of the parents asking questions, judging the family and eating vada,bajji, bonda, kesari.. Oh nowadays its really cool to offer cookies (only eggless mind you  Cuz we are strict vegetarians but  conveniently forget that most of our tam brahm foreign boys love chicken) and diet coke – in case the foreign mapillai isnt too much into our (oily)snacks..
5. Then the girl and guy are asked to go into a separate room to get to know each other (don’t get ideas now) for abt half hour and in some lucky cases an hour or so …
6. If all goes well, the families agree on a date for the engagement and proceed with the other prep. If the girl/guy is not okay, then they just make up random excuses to the other party.. I mean you cant obviously say that the girl is too dark or the boy earns a little too less or that she would like to work (to be an independent working professional- which is at times not acceptable) or that he is going bald … 

II. Maami – Mama  socializing networking

Note: For the benefit of the ignorant – Maami generally refers to married and older Tam Brahm women. Mama – Maami's Husband (In most cases)

Marriage is a Wi-Fi spot (short for Wife Finder!!!) 99.99% maami’s and mama’s attend weddings to look for potential partners for their children or at least for other eligible and single men/women who are looking-to-marry. 

This also probably because a Tam Brahm wedding can possibly have only a majority of Tam Brahms attending – this makes the job easier. They look, they observe, they ask around then strike up a conversation with that poor unassuming girl / guy and then take it forward…

I had a minimum of at least 4 such conversations, though I refused to let them move any further… I have heard that this approach has worked many times… lol… so here goes:

” Hello aunty… yes, am doing good. How about you?…

I work for blah blah organization…(am sure it wouldn’t have mattered)

Am 23 aunty…( rude, very rude)

No not married…( oh! )

Yes, I am single.. no no  am not seeing anyone.

No my parents are not looking out either..(its not a crime right?)

No, not for another couple of years… Am not in a hurry.. (What? REALLY?! yeah, really aunty)

Yes, I want to be independent, on my own.. Work for a bit and stuff .. I ll know when am ready to marry, if at all I want to that is…  ( Scandalizing-  it was too much for her to take – She gave up:)  ) ”

Note to self: This is fun.

Conclusion: I can say that though the process itself may seem surreal and movie-like, the weddings I have witnessed so far were beautiful. I say beautiful because it’s really not easy to get to know new people, understand their ideas and accommodate their preferences in a short span of time. Putting together a big wedding is a herculean task. So many silent compromises are made and so many new bonds are established.Its an effort taken by both the families to make this work for their children. And with so much love and hope going into these efforts, it can never possibly go wrong. Sigh.....




Aravind K